Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

General: We need aerial support now!

Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)