I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
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COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I’ve been drinking.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
The legends were true
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses