Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests

me: yes…for our guests

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt