i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
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“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster