i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
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Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁