Me, taking applications for the Illuminati: oh, I never said I’d send the forms anywhere
I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I’m 40. I’m not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.
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6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Terrible heart surgeon.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
It’s been scientifically proven that women who worry are smart.
I must be a freaking genius.
In honour ouf Canada Day, I’m incourpourating unnecessary ‘u’s intou my wourds.