i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
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My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Heroic Misunderstanding
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Duolingo getting serious.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’