I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
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Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)