I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
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DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
here we go again
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said