Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.