I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
You Might Also Like
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
This trial is so absurd 😭
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
no such thing as a dumb question
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
