Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

every man in east london

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you