I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
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With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
🛁
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Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
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I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
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Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
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“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”