I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
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Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Revenge served cold
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)