I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
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Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are