Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.