I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
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Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.