I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
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5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
this FaceApp is creepy af
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.