Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

Bit chilly again tonight.

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

A completely valid reaction tbh

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

my fav colour is also hitler

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.