Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

when you tell me to do something I was already about to do

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1246792468126892036/pu/vid/640x352/_6sf4u7km3KwJgG8.mp4?tag=10

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

I’m not proud

Still cracks me up

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

Bring back the McRib

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.