I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
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“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Air conditioning – not a fan
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.