I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
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Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat