I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
