I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I’m not wrong
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
This meeting could have been a cake
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
