I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
