I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
me logging onto twitter
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Netflix and awkward silence?
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
