I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
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I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Whoa… oh I see lol
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?