Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
You Might Also Like
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.