@LeonInNewJersey

I was at the supermarket when I almost dropped my cat food. Luckily a beautiful woman snatched it out of the air.

She really caught my Fancy.

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@realHamOnWry

My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player. I want us to see other people.

@seamussaid

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

@KeetPotato

japanese chef: “we need a name for our sauce”
me: “what about Keithyaki? haha”
my friend Teri: “i have a much better idea”

@justabloodygame

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

@LuvPug

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

@kentgrossarth

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

@WilliamAder

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

@SpenceDen

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.