I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
