I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I put the mess in domestic.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Dietest Coke
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
