I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
*checks Timeline*…
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
