I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
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Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.