I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.