I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
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god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Twitter fine art
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian