i was baptized in a car wash
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*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*