“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
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Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
when dads have a rap battle
Air conditioning – not a fan
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
😭😭😭
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.