“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
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Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Monica just destroyed the internet
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”