Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.