I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
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There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Bruh
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Flock of bats
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.