I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
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A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
live long and prosper!
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.