I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
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5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.