I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
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He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
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I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight![]()
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CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
can’t bark with your mouth full
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She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
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[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.