I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
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Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
me when I see my crush
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important