*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*
“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”
*slams hands down*
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
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I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Me: (Insert inspirational quote here)
Wife: Wow. That’s deep, who said that?
Me: I did. Didn’t you hear me speak just now?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
girl at work scraped the frosting off her cake because there was ‘too much’ & it was ‘too sweet’ so I ate her frosting & then I ate her
There’s no b,c,d,f,g,h,j,k,l,n,o,p,q,r,s,u,v,w,x,y, or z in team either.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.