Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
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*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Ever wonder how the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow?
WHITE GIRL: excus me do u hav pumpkin
EMPLOYEE: (hands her a pumpkin) here
WHITE GIRL: no no no. PUMPKIN. its a type of spice
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Google HR: do you have any questions?
Me: if I had any questions, I’d Google it
Google HR: you’re hired
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors