I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
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Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Can’t. About to go please some beans
