I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
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An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.