Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
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I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this “problem” not heard of pizza and alcohol?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards