Tech guy says: “When in doubt reboot. ” Okay, I’ve rebooted but i still don’t see how my boots have ANYTHING to do with a computer.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
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I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
You shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night.
Especially since you walked there.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)