@pixelatedboat

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

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@mbnels

Tech guy says: “When in doubt reboot. ” Okay, I’ve rebooted but i still don’t see how my boots have ANYTHING to do with a computer.

@truegritrumble

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

@DothTheDoth

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

@simoncholland

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

@lincnotfound

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

@Lanecat2

You shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night.

Especially since you walked there.

@jonnysun

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

@BoogTweets

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)