@pixelatedboat

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

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@stephenjmolloy

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

@sam_kriss

in marvel’s DEFENDERS, our heroes must combine their powers – being good at punching, punching people well, having strong punches, good punc

@WstonesOxfordSt

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

@TriciaLockwood

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

@vikkaroni

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

@ericsshadow

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

@mstluvstrinkets

Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this “problem” not heard of pizza and alcohol?

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock

WIFE: A WHAT?

ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous

DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*

@ingmarbirdman

i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards