Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

☠️

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.