Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

Not helping

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.