I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
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Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team