I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
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Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
Not helping
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.