I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
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My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
🥲
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.