I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
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It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
👾👾👾
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb