Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.