Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

Beware…..

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

Bless you

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

I wanna open a cheese store called The Parmacy.

“Come on in for a Gouda time!”

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!