I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
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*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Winnipeg!!
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Do one person every day that scares you.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
