I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
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I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing