I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

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So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?


I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket


How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?


I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.


Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.


[getting a haircut]
BARBER: anything else?
ME: cut me
BARBER: what? no
ME: like sweeney todd
BARBER: i’m no-
ME:make me into a pie


I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction


You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On