@shariv67

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

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@TimBarnes451

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

@_NinJar

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

@CelebrityChez

How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?

@bylinetd

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

@om_eye_goodness

Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.

@trojansauce

[getting a haircut]
BARBER: anything else?
ME: cut me
BARBER: what? no
ME: like sweeney todd
BARBER: i’m no-
ME:make me into a pie

@BareChesty

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

@Peauxtassium

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On