@shariv67

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

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@BunAndLeggings

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

@NicCageMatch

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

@pisscop

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS ??? ???????? ?????? ?? ???? ???? LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

@closetoclassy

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

@VancityReynolds

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

@venmo4feet

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

@vanderwangwe

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.