I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
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The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*