“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
You Might Also Like
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Me in tagged photos
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence