“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
You Might Also Like
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
😅🤣😂
