“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
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No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I didn’t realize that was an option
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.