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I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
is this how new cars are made??
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Breaking news:
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse