I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
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Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.