I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
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me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice