I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
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We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.