Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.