“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
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-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
when revenge coincides with naptime
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh