Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

…u ok Nintendo?