Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
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Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things