I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
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*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
buys donuts instead
There’s always that one guy
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.