I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
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“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.