I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
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I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
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[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.