Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

So sorry

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

you know what ruined my childhood? children

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.