I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
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How to walk around a museum
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists