I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
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wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.