I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
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(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.