Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy