Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

why isn’t he texting back

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

Never go to sleep after making me angry

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

Webb. James Webb.

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

We like the way Dwight thinks