Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*