Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

finally

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.