Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

man: wait

time: no

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

biblically accurate fire hydrant

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*