Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this