I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
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Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.