I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
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You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
File under excellent bookstore names.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
oh you wanna fight?!
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.